I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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