I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
