Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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