i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize