How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
