They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
