Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
