party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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