idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
