I skipped work to stalk him.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
