Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
