These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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