What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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