Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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