We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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