my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm passing your future prison.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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