you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Randomize
