Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
