then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
