someone threw a dead crab at me
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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