Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We are two peas in an std pod
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
