I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
