Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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