I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize