Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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