I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
