Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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