I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
