I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
