I cannot find my penis.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
