just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
