seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
