And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
