dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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