Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
