best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
