You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
