So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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