you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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