my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
