If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
