On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
