I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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