My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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