Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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