Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
