Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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