We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
