She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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