When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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