My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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