i love accidental penises.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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