You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
