I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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