i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
