The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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