He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
