i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize