Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
