theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
