Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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